2020 was supposed to be what hit us in the gut, left us breathless. I know that even after everything, I was excited for 2021, even if it was just a gentle, slow return to normal. However, within the first week 2021 looked around and said “Hold my beer.” So this blog post is a check in. A check in from me, and with you all.
I’ve been lost, hurt, and struggling to find how to cope during the last year. This became even more challenging on January 6th. I live and work in DC. I had coworkers and friends trapped in lockdown, others were evacuated from their homes due to pipe bombs. I was working from home, and sat in terror and guilt as I watched a place that I hold in such esteem overrun. No matter the challenges that we have in each Congress and in each Presidential administration, our American government has been something that I have looked up to, respected, and appreciated my entire life. It is not perfect, and there are so many ways that our country needs to heal, needs fixing, needs more. That is exactly what a government led by it’s people should be. Imperfect, but striving for the better.
The best of our country, to me, has always been visible in the entity that is the U.S. Capitol. Like many buildings around the city, it is not only a slice of history, but history in the making. There are normally tens of thousands of people who flock here yearly to come and understand American democracy, to see places where history happened. They come to advocate for their causes and against others, and to work to help their fellow citizens.
For over a month after, I had a hard time comprehending what happened and where we were going as a country. For the last two months I’ve had to drive through military barricades to get into my office. This will always be a time of heartache for me, and for our country.
Now, as I am sure it has for many of you. the pandemic wrecked havoc with my mental health. I finally took the leap to get help for some of the challenges I’d been facing. But it took hitting a rocky place several times before I was ready for that step. I struggle without routine, but I can never seem to implement it. What was worse? I pushed so hard toward finishing my Masters that I thought as soon as my thesis was done, I’d magically feel better. I was so incredibly wrong. If anything having less to focus on only seemed to make it all worse.
Humans are first and foremost a social creatures. Add that to the fact that my main love language is physical touch, and I spiraled. We were trapped inside, and now we are afraid of being close to others. It hit hard, but I found other ways to fill some of those holes. I had more zoom calls. I pestered friend and family into getting the Marco Polo app. I learned how to incorporate small pieces of communication with those I love around me. When social media truly became toxic, I turned back to things that I have loved over the years. Such as writing, drawing, and crafting. I hit recently that I’d forgotten how truly extroverted I am until I was back in the office seeing people every day. For the first time in months my job is settling into a normal rhythm, and I feel like I can tread water. It doesn’t mean I’ve figured out how to go to bed a decent hour every night, or a solid workout routine I never falter from. It means I still have ups and downs, but now I have let myself learn to process them and move on in spite of the challenges.
I’ve learned from the last year is we are starting to humanize each other again, and we are more forgiving of ourselves as well. However, it doesn’t mean we are always easy on ourselves. If you need to talk, I’m all ears. Allow yourself to grieve the losses of this last year, whether that has been actual deaths or your time with others. Our worldview literally shifted within weeks, and has stretched out longer than we ever imagined. You are important, and I’m here to help my community however I can.
This is why one of my goals for 2021 is to start giving more time here and expanding what I’m talking about. I will of course still be doing book reviews (my TBR is still terrifying!). But also spreading out into the things that give us joy, bring us out of the weirdness that this last year has been. I love hearing the stories of people who’ve gone back to hobbies they loved, but have neglected. Like needlepoint (I’m attempting to learn!). I’d love to hear on if there are other things you’d like to hear about. Thank you for staying with me on this incredibly long post, I promise we will move back to our regular programming now.
Above everything, remember to give yourself grace and that you are full of multitudes.
my way by Starlight 
Leave a comment